Shut Up Iris

Now I'm a big boxing fan, there is nothing better than a boxing match. A good boxing match gives you unparalleled combinations of intelligence, strategy, endurance and punching big gangly Russians in the head until they bleed.



Even a bad boxing match is enjoyable. In a bad boxing match you either get one really good boxer and one clueless homeless guy confused by all the bright lights and it's a quick and brutal knock out which is always enjoyable. The other type of bad is when you get two boxers with equal amounts of suck and then they fight it out like the pair of clowns they are. That is hilarious. Boxing is win-win, you either get an exhilarating exciting match, or a comedy clown fight. The only thing that ruins it are the judges who often appear to think that they are judging a dog-show for the Westminister Kennel Club and are confused by all the punching and sweating.

I say all that because it sounds like MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) would be right up my alley and UFC fights would be on my social schedule permanently. Well I've watched it and it's not. I first watched UFC fights expecting a brawl, men punching and kicking displaying the skills that every fighter does his best to hone, that is the skill of hitting without getting hit. I thought that since the fighters were freer there would be more movement, side to side dodging, brilliant kicks, stunning augmented blocks and displays of martial prowess that boxing because of it's limitations simply could not match. I watched it and got this:



I used to work at a coffee shop and to amuse myself I would use my tips to pay the retarded local kids to fight. That picture accurately depicts how every fight went. I don't get it. You're fighting in a big giant octagon with lots of room, you can kick , punch, bite, spit acid, whatever and you end up doing this:



Now I'm not saying it's a bit, well, you know, I'm just saying that I'm not paying to watch two men engage in a display of 'prison' rape until one 'taps out'. I can understand people wanting to watch a good old bloody smash em' up fight, but I can't understand paying to watch two guys roll around on a bloody canvas for fifteen minutes grabbing and rubbing each other into submission.



Whether the guys on the ground are bloody or not, if I want to see two men who shave their chests rolling around on the ground I'll watch high school wrestling, or run up to Boy's Town in Chicago and just go into any gay bar. So of course you're going to say that I'm calling MMA gay. I don't know that's it gay I just think that you have to have certain tendencies to appreciate the entertainment value of two grown men groping each other into submission. I have no qualms with others indulging their repressed tendencies but it's simply not my cup of tea. The UFC realized that there were people like me and so they now do this:



Again this does nothing for me. First, they aren't naked and second the girl that is 'winning' obviously has no idea how to throw a punch. Girls can't fight, even in women's boxing it's just two chicks flailing at each other with penis envy fueled rage. So ladies, keep your dignity and become a stripper.

I also question any sport where these are an acceptable accoutrement:



I also started digging and found out something else disturbing. UFC fighters are salaried employees. Just like professional wrestlers. For some events they do get a few thousand dollars in bonus money but for the most part they get a set wage. Just take a look for yourself, here and here. Now boxing with all it's flaws still has the thrill of million dollar fights. Boxing still rewards it's greatest by giving them the best venues and the highest reward, that is a life time of financial security unless you work with Don King. I can't imagine that someone would fight their heart out for a fight they have a salary to fight for with no chance for a cut of the purse. Money makes people fight better, and unlike boxing, MMA fighters have to position themselves in the salaried hierarchy to make enough money to quit their job stocking shelves at the Moo & Oink. It seems the rewards of being a UFC fighter, at least the monetary ones, are enjoyed by the UFC and it's owners and the fighters get a fraction of that. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something, but that's how I see it.

As a bonus, here is a picture of David Carradine not masturbating to death.