Shut Up Iris

The General Crap first:

You people that read my blog may or may not know that I have been a Network Administrator for something like 15 years. Yes, when I started ‘386’ was still a common desktop speed, ‘small’ laptops weighed nine and a half pounds. All servers were Windows NT and ‘networking’ meant coaxial cable. I’m always asked by people, well idiots, ‘I need a computer but don’t know what I need, what should I buy?’ the short answer is if you don’t know what you need, stop wasting my time.

For some reason people (again, idiots) decide to buy computers without actually determining what they need it to do. Think about it, that’s like deciding you need a car, but not considering you have three kids, a dog and will need to drive them around, so you settle on the cute shiny white Volkswagen Golf that barely holds four people and then try to shop and run errands with the kids and dog stuffed in. Where do you put the groceries? The kids need car seats, will they all fit? Why do you have a dog, all they do is shit and eat? So stop being an idiot about computers. Decide what you want it to do before you buy it. You need to ask some general questions before you even decide to buy one



What do I expect this computer to do?

a.) Do you want to connect to the internet and get e-mail?
b.) Do you want to keep track of your personal finances?
c.) Will you need to create documents and spreadsheets and slideshows?
d.) Will you be editing video and audio?
e.) Will you be playing video games?
f.) is portability important?

In all these cases you need to find out how you will be performing the above tasks. Before you even get a computer you should get an idea of who will be providing your internet service and find out their minimum requirements for your computer.

For personal finances you need to identify what software you will be doing this with, MS Money, Peachtree or Quicken or Quickbooks, they all have different requirements which are on their respective websites and listed on the box if you are looking at them in the store.

For documents and such, it is going to be Microsoft Office, any new computer will run it.

For editing audio and video a good sound card and video card are essential, again identify the software you will be using and look up the minimum requirements. I would recommend an nVidia Quadro video card and creative or nVidia sound. If you are going to be doing a lot of this you will want to make sure your computer has multiple VGA or DVI ports for additional monitors and an HDMI port for a television or video camera, although most video cameras are still USB. You will also not want a laptop, so wait for the article on desktops.

For video games make sure you have at least 2GB more memory than you think you will need and an nVidia GeForce video card, preferably with 1GB of integrated memory.

If portability is important, then congratulations, you think you need a laptop, which is what I’m on about next.

Questions to ask yourself about your prospective laptop:

1.) Rarely, with any computer is portability actually important so you need to ask yourself seriously: Will I be traveling with it? Yes go to Question 2 no go to Question 4 - please note I will be harping on this issue simply because you can generally get a MORE powerful desktop computer for half to a third of the price of a similar laptop.

2.) Will you actually be traveling with it, or do you just think you’d like to use it in several different rooms of your house? Yes, really, traveling with it go to question 3 no go to question 4

3.) Really? Really traveling with it? Fine, you will want a laptop. This point alone disqualifies you from wanting a Macbook or a Dell laptop, I know you don’t want to hear that but neither Dell or Mac are very durable, neither one protects it’s hard drive particularly well and last on average about 6 months to a year when actually traveled with, even just back and forth to school or work.

If you are actually serious about traveling and working you need:

a.) a Panasonic Toughbook if you will be visiting construction sites, third world countries, or live in a cave in Afghanistan and need to relocate often because of ‘noisy’ American neighbors.



b.) A Lenovo Thinkpad, seriously their alloy case shell , rubber hard drive bumpers and generally rugged construction means you can drop them dozens of times, damage the case and beat the hell out of them and it will work just fine. This is the type of laptop I buy our Foremen.



c.) An Acer Travelmate, again rugged construction means abusing it is just fine. Acer is the cheapest option, so don’t expect the performance of the other two.
Those are your options, and read number 5 anyway just so you know to buy it online. Then go to question 6

4.) Seriously, you don’t need a laptop, laptops aren’t really laptops they get too hot to put in your lap, and if you buy a high end one, it’s battery life will be too short to move away from a power outlet. The average laptop that consumers buy is $1200.00, for that you can buy two good micro-tower desktops, and have two rooms fully serviced by full power computers. Do you still want a laptop? If yes go to Question 5 if no, wait for the next article: Buying a Desktop

5.) Okay, you want a laptop for around your house, and you want a Dell, or if you’ve suffered brain damage and like paying outrageous prices for no good reason you want a Macbook.



Dell in this instance is just fine, you can go online to Dell.com and configure a relatively cheap laptop, but don’t forget to comparison shop hp.com, Lenovo.com and newegg.com. You can often find a better laptop for cheaper than Dell, it’s just that people rarely shop around for computers. The only big no-no in this case is going to Best Buy or Fry’s or any big-box electronics store. Why? I’ll tell you why, they are selling computers that are on average 3-6 months old and were poor sellers on the manufacturers particular websites, and in computer years 3-6 months means you’re already getting older, slower technology in most cases. The big box players will also try to pile on software, often times software that is already on the computer in trial form that you can buy at a significant discount once the trial is over. ALL new computers come with at least a 90 day Microsoft Office and antivirus trial, yet Best Buy and Fry’s will recommend you buy the more expensive boxed versions of both, oh and then pay a small fee for them to install it. If you buy any of that, congratulations your are, like most people, a barely functioning retard.

So why is buying online better? Because they generally build it when you order it and ‘factory installed’ optional hardware and software has zero installation fees, why pay Geeksquad to uninstall your free Norton Anti-virus trial and install the one your purchased from them for $69.99 and with their $25.00 installation fee, oh and by the way, the cost for activating your free trial and turning it into a one year subscription? Approximately $30.00.

6.) How convenient do you want this laptop to be? Laptops have monitor sizes from 22” all the way down to 8” and size will determine exactly how light and portable it is and how long the battery will last. There is no good guideline for this. This is a strictly personal issue, how good is your eye sight, what size laptop are you willing to put up with in the airport, what size screen can you tolerate to watch ‘Finding Nemo’ on, I can’t even begin to help you with that question except to say that I have a 15.4” laptop and a 10” laptop, and I prefer the 10” one. 15.4” is the popular one with most travelers. As for how long it will stay charged expect and average of one and a half hours with any laptop under normal use. There are exceptions, the big Dells and Macbooks will stay charged maybe a half an hour, while the tiny Asus eeePC’s will stay happily charged for nine hours plus.

Now that you’ve decided on your laptop, or I’ve talked you out of one here are a few very important points to consider.

First, if you are buying a laptop, no matter which one you buy, buy the extended three year on site warranty. This will be the single most important accessory you buy. You will drop or spill something on your laptop and you don’t want to ship it back to the depot, especially if it is an HP, they’ll just lose it. Otherwise you’ll be waiting 2-6 weeks just to see it again, and it may or may not be fixed and possibly damaged during shipping. If you buy a Dell keep in mind that although their Platinum warranty states ‘onsite service 24/7 with a 24 hour response time’ what they actually mean is ‘the call center is open 24/7 and the technician will respond within 24 hours of the call center letting them know you have a problem’ the average for that is 72 hours. Lenovo and Acer both typically respond in 24 hours, but about 50% of the time they show up with the wrong part and need to come back. HP typically sends a guy out within a week. But still, all of those options are better than sending your laptop back to them to repair at their leisure.

Second, for good value any laptop you buy should at the very least have 2GB of memory installed a 2GHZ or better processor and at least 160GB hard drive, if the laptop you are looking at has anything under those and it’s more than $400.00 you are being cheated. These stats will insure that most internets, Microsoft Office and even Quicken and other basic home shit will run just fine.

Third, you will pay more for special colors and attractive cases. If actual utility is what you are after bright colors and stars embedded on the laptop cover are a flashing red warning light. Such shiny and bright cases are enough to bump up a laptop price by $100.00 on average, because they know you will pay it just so your daughter can get the bright yellow Dell that matches her wallpaper.



Lastly, If you are buying a Mac prepare to start at $2000.00, if you are looking at the ones under $2000.00, get an abacus and a calculator that prints on it’s ribbon in red and black because that’s the power you’re paying for in a $1200.00 Macbook, also be prepared for the ‘safe’ magnetic power cable to drop out every time you change your laptop’s position.

There, now you can an informed decision about buying a laptop, sometime next week we’ll talk about desktops, which is always the smarter buy.